Drunk SOng

I'm still lost in the smoke of the cigarette you lit just after our first night together, hurricane drunk dancing to songs from the cosmos blindfolded in the dark. And when the strings cut and I fall to the floor I'm still there praying for a sign from you, that things aren't as bad as I imagined they were. I stand as best as I can and take another long draught of that apples' blood that I've been craving so recently. It's funny, isn't it? The way you can't choose who you love? You just do, and I wish it was as cruel and as simple as that. I ask myself over and over, why can't you crave me the way that the others do? Why do I lie in her bed and still feel the way that I do? Why do I feel like throwing my heart down a mine just so that I can be with you? Why do I raise a glass to love when everyone who ever loved me is dead,  a liar or exactly one Atlantic ocean away?
The drums beat on and somewhere in the north one woman's voice cries.
I never wanted anything from you, except everything you had, and what was left after that too.
When you get close to me I can just feel that blood swell and boil and burst out of me in a fountain, in an embarrassing display that I'm sure to have to mop up.
I run my hands over the short hairs on my scalp; they're shorter than they've ever been. You let yours grow dark, long and wild, and I'm glad you did me the service of taking my advice for once.
It's already midnight outside and tunes with transplanted beats are raging hot in the backrooms of every bar in this town, but in here we're still in twilight between my sun in April and your clouds from September.
It still makes me laugh the way that you tell me that I'm a lie when I'm the only person you can tell me the truth to; or that's what you say, anyway. You told me that I'm still standing with my feet planted firmly in your favour, still someone you could hold close if your hands weren't full already, but I'm older and wiser and I know that every time your hand touched my skin your mind was with him.
You don't know how I feel; you don't know what it's like to have a heart so full of colour and rhythm, to lose it so someone who is blind and cold and hollow and alone.
I swallow one more breath and answer my own question:
I'm still in love with you.